Grief is a common experience, yet it can feel incredibly personal and isolating. At some point in our lives, we all encounter it, often unable to articulate our feelings. Recently, the deaths of two of my uncles, within one year, has sent me and my family into a storm of emotions that have felt overwhelming. In the process of reimagining my grief, I am discovering healing in ways I never expected. Here is my journey through loss, the insights I gained, and how I am coming to redefine grief in my life.
The Initial Shock of Loss
Grief is defined by Merriam Webster as a deep and poignant distress caused by bereavement or sorrow, which implies a sense of loss. There are several stages of grief: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing and acceptance. Read more about these stages through this quick article by Healthline.
The day I received the news about my uncle Tony's passing everything around me continued while I felt frozen in disbelief. My heart dropped as I struggled to accept the reality that he was gone. I thought about my cousins, who I'd grown up with like siblings and how they would need us, their family, more than ever. I thought of all our diy projects, passionate debates, road trips, and songs we sang and dance to together.
For weeks, my family, a host of cousins, nieces, nephews, and siblings came together and started re-imagining what grief can look like for our Black Southern family. What we quickly learned, however, is that grief does not fit neatly into a timeline. A study by the American Psychological Association found that over 50% of individuals experience grief as a lifelong journey, with feelings that ebb and flow unpredictably.
Embracing the Grief Journey
As the initial shock set in, I decided that I could let depression overtake me, or I could use this experience to learn and grow. I chose growth, but I knew that the path was not straightforward.
My family started talking openly about how we have coped with grief in the past and how it has or has not served us. My mommy has been persistent about naming issues of mental health such as depression and anxiety. Just like Angela Davis, my mommy is grasping mental health by its roots, which will be transformative for my family.
We've found that coming together as a collective to laugh, cry, reminisce, eat, rest, and doing it all over again is the way that we can continue the legacy of a close-knit family, but also allows space to create new rituals and traditions of grieving. Listening to each others stories made me realize I was not alone. In fact, research shows that peer support can significantly enhance a person’s coping ability, with 69% of participants in a bereavement support group noting reduced feelings of isolation. This perspective shift helped me see that grief was not just about loss; it was also about love.
Finding Meaning in Memories
If you've been here for a while, you know that I am a journal girlie. I love to jot down thoughts, ideas, feelings, just to release them from my mind. To sort through my feelings, I began keeping a journal, both through video through quick video journal entries and then physically, with pen and paper. Each entry helped lighten my emotional load.
Reflecting on my journal entries shifted my focus from loss to gratitude. Instead of concentrating on what my family had lost, I recognized what we'd gained by having each other. This simple act of reflection was transformative, helping me reframe my grief into a narrative filled with love.
Incorporating Rituals into Healing
During one of my journaling sessions, an idea struck me. I would create a series of radical reflections where I listened to music that my family members love and write while listening. Each song became an act of remembrance and release.
I began with songs that my cousin MeMe has compiled into a mixtape of sorts called, "Joseph Family Favs." We are a family that gathers for holidays, birthdays, and graduations, and music has always been a way to document the soundtracks of our life, as a collective. Through listening and writing, I was able to reflect on all the times we had and all the times to come. Some of the songs sting a bit to listen to as we've faced several deaths so closely and so recently. Nonetheless, it is healing to listen and move my body and pen as I reflect on all of our memories.
Faith Talks: Good Grief
The loss of loved ones is hard! It puts in perspective what really matters, who really matters, and how you will choose to move forward. The pastor at my uncle's memorial spoke a word that stuck with me. He talked about transitions and transformations, both of which had been reoccuring themes in my quiet time with God.
A transition is a change from one state to another; it's a period or phase in which a change is occuring. From this, I got that transitions don't last forever, they are temporary, they are brief moments in our lives that mark the moment of transformation. Transformation is defined as an act, process, or instance of transforming. To transform is to change in composition, structure, in character or condition, or to change outward form or appearance. Another image that has been occurring in my quiet time is the metamorphosis of a caterpillar to a butterfly.
I think of Romans 12:2 which says, "Do not be conformed by this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Another verse is Ephesians 4:22-24 which reads, "To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds." Our minds are so powerful. What we speak to ourselves and over ourselves and others, matters.
Some ways that we can renew our mind and shift our perspectives are by actively challenging negative thoughts and false beliefs that we tell ourselves and that others have told us. We can replace lies with truth. We can study and meditate on what God says about us and who we are, and who He is, because He does not change. Finally, pray and meditate.
Embracing the Journey of Healing
Loss transforms our lives in many ways, guiding us onto unexpected paths of healing and even growth. Reimagining my grief has been a journey filled with challenges, leading to a deeper connection with my family and my emotional and mental strength.
If you are struggling with grief, I encourage you to embrace it. Seek out community, express your feelings, and create rituals that honor your loved ones. Remember, grief can be a complex companion that teaches us about love and resilience. True transformation occurs in our minds and spirits. We have to do the hard work, but we don't have to do it alone.
As I continue to navigate this journey, I believe that grief and joy can coexist, enabling me to celebrate life while honoring the memory of those I have lost.
With lots of love,
